Monday December 18, 2023

I opened my eyes and started reading my bible after grabbing it from the night stand (well, my coffee table, since I fell asleep on the couch) and for some reason, God wanted me to continue reading until I came across the passage that read, 

'and Jesus said, 

''and one of you is the devil, 'referring to Judas, who would betray Him later on.' 

I found it odd that the Holy Spirit would force me to end it there but He did. And sadly, I felt that I too would betray Him that day or I was betraying Him already. 

I didn't feel the usual morning joy after reading, because my heart was troubled. 

Why would Jesus do this to me? I thought I was obeying Him. 

Deep down though, I knew, I was the betrayer and Jesus was right.

I'd been disrespecting God whom I loved and worshiped for so long. 

And it all started a few months ago when I found myself cussing and praying at the same time. 

That night, rage filled my heart and I was overwhelmed with frustration. I repented afterwards, but not with tears...with pride still in my heart and only enough time to continue on with my ministry. 

I had no time to waste.

I was blinded to the seriousness of it all and time was ticking to do His work.

As a result, this demon or evil spirit was escalating inside of me. And as I continued to say things to God that were considered unfaithful, whenever I didn't get my way, something evil was activated.

My reverence for God was suffering and as a result I was suffering and I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know how to fix it. Reading the Bible every morning didn't fix me, it just showed me, who I was and what I had done. 

I felt awful that morning when Jesus words resounded in my spirit you are the betrayer but the room was silent. 

And God was quiet.

I looked around my living room and inside, hell was all around me. The warfare was intense. 

So I did what I knew to do over and over again. Ministry! Clean! Organize! 

I grabbed a pile of boxes that were left in my living room after taking them out of my studio and headed outside to begin smashing them so they would all fit in the bin. 

'Why isn't God helping me,' I say after throwing them all to the side. I started smashing the first box with my right foot while hearing this annoying clank across the street. 

One by one I flatten each box; and mad as ever at the devil and his demons while being confused at God as to why He's not intervening.

I squeeze each box into the recycling bin while feeling more irritated at the guy outside nailing a fence. 

Soon as I look up to see who was banging away...

UHH, I twist my ankle and immediately I say the F word and lean against the container in pain. I take a deep breath and realize my foot had hit a hard corner of a box with the word twins in bold letters. 

I knew this meant something but I wasn't sure about the interpretation. I just knew deep down in my spirit, God wasn't pleased with me. (Later on I found out, twins meant my flesh and spirit at war with one another).

I went limping back inside the house after finishing up and the pain, well it wasn't bad.

In fact, I thanked God it wasn't, remembering the time I had fractured the other one back in 2020.

All in all, I ignored the warning sign and I knew my sprained ankle was a result of sin. 

I sat there somewhat concerned of what just happened but relieved that my foot wasn't broken. 

God wasn't saying anything. He was just silent.

Then I remembered the Lord instructed me to fly my drone on Monday and...

well...it was Monday. So being the faithful steward that I was, I went to an open field, not too far from my house and tested the thing out. 

Soon as I put my car on park, a beautiful blue jay flew and stood on a branch next to me and I felt the Holy Spirit, strongly there. 

I smiled because He was pleased that I was being obedient. Nature was dancing again and peace filled the moment on that sunny day.

Then all of a sudden, on the first test run, my drone flew away...far-far away, until my eyes couldn't see it. I kept turning the remote control knobs in desperation but it was gone!

After five minutes of searching for it on foot my sprained ankle got worse and now I had a really bad limp. 

'Why has God brought me out here with a hurt ankle?' I thought to myself. 'And now, He's allowed me to lose the drone, the very thing He asked me to purchase and test.'

But I kept praying, trying to believe. 

After I couldn't take it anymore, I got in my car and started searching for it in the vast desert, completely confused but still believing. "I know I heard God."

And the Holy Spirit guided me in His MERCY and instructed me to extend the remote from the window turning it off and on until I'd hear a noise coming from the drone. 

After 15 minutes of driving (5mph), I heard the propellers, stuck in the thicket of a bush and I limped over to grab it and flew it again. I flew it until I learned all the knobs and buttons and how to control it. 

I had it down and I even recorded some drone footage into my phone. 

I felt confident enough to go home now

and as I walked inside the house, my foot was getting worse until I ended up in my room in excruciating pain.

At this point, I couldn't walk at all. But I grabbed my phone anyway, hoping to get a little relief (some hope) from the beautiful footage I took from my drone.

I opened up my gallery and clicked on one of the drone videos and to my surprise, it was nothing but wonky, laggy footage. The drone was garbage. The camera was a joke. 

And then I thought, after feeling so defeated,

'If God wouldn't have allowed my drone to get lost, my foot wouldn't have gotten fractured out there in the desert.

Or possibly broken. I was walking fine until I started looking for this drone. This piece of garbage.' 

And after that sanked in really good, I began sobbing. 

How was I supposed to do anything now? I couldn't even walk to the kitchen to get water. Why is this happening?

My sobbing then turned into a full blown breakdown. I cried like I hadn't cried in years, wondering why I was doing ministry in the first place. 

My pain level at that moment was a 10. The drone footage was bad, my disillusionment of God was spiking and now the very thing that wakes me up in the morning (my ministry) is at a complete stop because I can't move at all. 

And in that moment, I knew I had made my ministry my God. 

So I'm whaling now, not cussing, just disappointed...

for striving, believing for getting up and trying and all for what? To end up this way?

I literally felt the way I often did before I was born again, without God in my life. I recognized it well. 

In other words, God didn't comfort me in my sorrow. 

But I managed to make it to the living room with my phone in my hand and plopped myself in pain on the couch. 

He continued to be quiet. 

And as I replayed the low quality footage on my phone, I remembered Him telling me to buy the drone. 

This particular one. I had so many questions.

But I kept looking at the footage, still couldn't believe it and with absolutely no hope for it. But I knew I heard Him.

Then as I kept watching the video, great sorrow filled my heart, my gaze became fixed to my phone and with tears in my eyes, I asked God a very profound, disrespectful, yet honest but RISKY question.

I asked in a very low voice, "what kind of God are You?" AND AS SOON AS I ASKED HIM,

not a second later at 1:37 seconds of the video (the video was 1:53 seconds long) the footage showed me grabbing the drone from the dirt, after it had crashed with the camera still on. I was walking towards my car

and getting closer and closer to my car plates until the plates of my car covered the whole screen of my camera. 

And I heard God respond to me saying, "I AM all powerful!"

Let me explain really quick what God meant.

You see...my licence plate has the letters EL which in Hebrew means power. 

It also distinguishes God from all false gods in the Bible whenever you see EL in scripture.

Here are samples of Gods names in the Bible with EL:

EL Elyon -The Most High God

EL Olam - The Everlasting God

EL Roi - The God who sees me

EL Yeshurun - The God of Jeshurun

EL Gibor - The Mighty God

EL De'ot - The God of Knowledge

El Haggadol - The Great God

EL Hakkavod - The God of Glory

You get the point.

I knew this because immediately after picking up my car, I looked at the plates and knew, EL were names of God. Later, I looked up the meaning of EL. 

So I knew God spoke to me in that moment.

Through that video in His mercy, even though I dared to ask Him such a question. 

He answered me because He had compassion. 

And part of me was greateful but I was exhausted. I felt relieved that He was still pursuing me but I was tired and disapointed and in pain. 

'I know you heal Lord, but please heal my foot too,' I cried, but I knew He was telling me I had pain on the inside. 

I didn't however know what He was trying to say to me exactly. 

I did...

but I really didn't. My foot was in such pain that I couldn't walk even a few steps. I didn't want to be in that condition like I was in 2020 and plus I had to go to work.

'Lord I know you HEAL,' I said again (I was referring to His presence. Because I was healed, soon as I saw His power through the video on the exact second) 'but please heal this fractured foot.' 

He didn't answer me after that but I knew He was close enough to calm me down...

to help myself where I was able to. So I went to the drawer and got two bandages that I used for my old fracture. 

There were five bands, I threw away three and kept the two in the drawer, not sure why but I was grateful I did. 

There was also a walking cane that one of my guests left and was so grateful for it. I learned how to use it quickly which helped a lot.

I wrapped my foot with the bandages and took two Tylenol for the pain, sat on my couch and felt better.

Much better, but still something was holding my heart captive.

The room was quiet. I felt God, not necessarily rejecting me or ignoring me but leaving me to think for a minute since I couldn't do anything else. 

And I knew there was a missing link. Why would He show me such a miracle and then just leave? The only thing I could think of is to ask for forgiveness. 

"Forgive me Lord." I said with a cold heart but He took it. 

And as soon as I said that (the very second) my smart TV changed screens and Netflix popped up. I knew He heard me.

But I also knew He wanted me to watch something. A movie.

I began going through Amazon prime (being sensitive to the Spirit) to see what would stick out and I came across a movie called Starfish. I knew that was it, because after doing my music video to my song, 'Fly like an Eagle' a few days ago, I began taking off 20 necklaces off my neck because it was part of the costume and the only one I left on was a starfish. 

I clicked on it and began watching it and the first thing it said was, 'This is all True.' It was based on a true story.

He had me sit there and watch it, so I waited. Waiting for what He was trying to show me. Long story short, the guy in the movie lost both his legs and arms and part of his face due to a disease. It was heart breaking. 

I felt God looking at me saying, 'your situation isn't so bad is it?'

I felt convicted because it wasn't - God was right. This drove me to repent even deeper.

Exactly what God wanted. Not to condemn me but to heal me.

I thought more and more of what God was doing. And later on that evening after resting I went on YouTube.

Before any of this, all I watched online and on TV were Christian programs. Testimonies, Deliverance, Preachers and Street Evangelist.

That's why I didn't understanding what God was trying to convey to me. 

Until I came across this one video.  

The thing that caught my attention was the preview clip. Soon as the Pastor said (whom I've never seen by the way)

"people see me as a big minister because they see me on a big platform but recently God asked me a question He said, 'my son what are you up to, what are you up to?' and he started to weep. 

God hooked me.

And as I watched this Korean Pastor break down about loving Jesus, glorifying Jesus and preaching nothing but Jesus, the devil began to mock him in my mind. 

I heard the enemy calling him a name in my head and as soon as I heard the voice...

the walking cane that I was using earlier, fell to the ground and I  jumped up (it was leaning againts the kitchen counter) and immediately my central heater turned off. And I heard God say, LISTEN to him. 

So I watched the whole thing and all he preached about was JESUS...glorifying Him, explaining His deity, talking about His miracles, His power, His ways, His manners, His personality. He went through the WHOLE gospel preaching Jesus, explaining, meditating and portraying Him. 

And as I listened I began gazing on Jesus and I got it! 

My soul was longing for Jesus. Not testimonies, deliverance videos and teaching programs. I was starving for JESUS. 

That night, I renounced every bridegroom in my life including my ministry, that was taking the place of Jesus. I cried out to my King and I wanted Him so bad, more than anything in the world. I never wanted to be separate from Him. 

No matter what, I wanted to know Him deeper. I was now on a mission to come back to my first love.

I was washed and cleansed and I wasn't suffering anymore because Jesus had healed me. 

My HOPE found me and pursued me and yes even chastised me because He knew what I needed when I didn't know any better. 

I was just hungry. I was missing my Lord. I drifted without knowing. And even though it hurt, it was worth it because God loves those whom He corrects. 

And that is what happened to me on Monday December 18, 2023 and I will never forget or want to go back ever again. 

Nova1322

By the way my foot wasn't broken or fractured. God healed it within two days. It was a miracle. 

 

 as if I put the drone camera super close where it covered the whole footage and kept moving with the camera still in my hand and it ended with 

And in that moment, as my eyes were fixed on the video 

from the drone tears were rolling down my face. 

But today God fixed by breaking me.

needed to let me know WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ME that led to this betrayal even in the midst of serving Him or so I thought I was.